Hmm... It's pretty good. Do you read Neil Gaiman books?

Punctuation and Quotation marks???

hinahanap ko minsan

Ung napakaraming dots ay sumobra sa forum width kaya pangit kinalabasan. Hindi naman naka justify format yung text.

er.. now that yani mentioned it... where are the commas?

this is my second work i'd post here in the forum. I've just made this one up this instant cause I have nowhere else and nothing else to post, and somehow, for me, a lot about this poem has no sense. ahaha, maybe you guys would appreciate it better. hope you guys like it.


Truth

guilt falls on a moonlit sky
while shadows fall on souls that lie
to find the truth, some people try
it continues to be elusive, it runs and it flies

so on and on the search continues
on and on more lies continue to fuse
to the truth that peple search their entire lives
to be morphed and corrupted untill it trully dies

some lies are then spoken untill it becomes true
while those who know better sinks into blue
for the gem is corrupted and replaced anew
by a c_o _cktail of lies that slowly comes true.

p.s. the pc keeps on censoring the part of the word c o c k in the word
c o c k t a i l. tama naman spelling ko di ba?


-- Edited by Utterly Clueless at 13:04, 2007-08-31

actually ndi ako marunong magbasa ng poems eh...deep meaning kasi...pero yung iba gets ko naman...pero i like your 2nd work..."truth"

I was Utterly Clueless, hehe, wat about the construction? you're absolutely rigth bout why I want your reactions.. anyway, would try to put more poems, (faster to type) hehe.

guys, I have lots of new stories and poems and I would like to share them with you. I'd post em here just like before. I think this time they're a wee bit better. I'd start on saturday.

sure, from now on, this thread is not exclusic\ve for my works, any beerkadet who wants to post their lit works, just post em here. sori, d q nagawa mag post ng sat, la pa tym eh. nakalimutan q din ilagay sa diskette, hehe

paepal lng sa lit corner hehe

Uhm this is my newest story, and I beg you all to please read this if you have the time. I promise this one does not stink too much. It is in fact one of my best works, although it was criticized much, and it is a bit long.

Vengeance, the Fall of the Fledgling Goddess

On the fifth day of the eight month, a scout hurriedly barged in the kings chamber waking the whole palace.
Sire, I bring forth grave news. The City of Silvermoon is in ruins, said a scout.
What?!! Have you had any news on who made the siege? I swear they would regret ever attacking us elves! replied the king.
None sire. We havent even a clue on who attacked us, answered the scout.
Call forth the ministers. We shall talk of how to deal with this menace, the king commanded.
A few moments later the king and his ministers where discussing on how to uncover the one responsible for the fall of Silvermoon.
It must have been done by the dwarves. They are the only ones who have a motive to attack us, said a minister.
Yes, those no-good half-men are still after the riches of our cities! We must retaliate immediately! agreed another minister.
Calm yourselves ministers. We are not here to blame the dwarves about what happened on Silvermoon. We have no evidence that they were responsible for that attack. It is senseless to start a war with the dwarves. The humans are their allies. If we waged war on them with no conclusive evidence of their guilt, the humans would surely help them. We are not strong enough to battle both races, explained the king.
Urgent news, my lord! Quaandir has fallen, exclaimed a scout who had just entered.
What? Is there a lead on who did this? answered the king.
Nothing conclusive sire, but we did find dwarven weapons and armoire, said the scout.
There! There you have it King Mythantar. The proof youve been looking for! Now lets arm ourselves and destroy those accursed dwarves! exclaimed another minister
Silence! We will first have the dwarves side upon this matter. Also post scouts on all our cities. Report to me anything unusual, immediately. proclaimed the king.
A magistrate was sent to the dwarven capital, Rhionox, to discuss the attacks done on the elven cities. The dwarves besides the long running feud between the two races greeted the magistrate warmly. The dwarf king was surprised when the elven magistrate asked about the supposed dwarven attacks on the city of Silvermoon and Quaandir. The dwarf king proclaimed that it was impossible, for no dwarf had ever set foot upon elven territory, and that all his troops are on the human lands to help them against the orcish invasion.
This left the elves dazzled. Someone had attacked two of their main cities for an unknown reason, leaving no clues as to who they were. The elves were in a state of panic. Hordes of elves began migrating into human and dwarven lands in fear of the invisible enemy their King was unable to unmask. The population of the kingdom was rapidly diminishing. King Mythantar had to do something to calm the people. He ordered that the remaining elves gather in the city core. As the city core filled with the handful of elves that remained in the kingdom, King Mythantar began his speech, but before he could even utter a word, the entire square filled with smoke. As it dissipated, an elven woman with red dragon wings was revealed at the center of the square replacing the monument of their god, Freyr.
Who or what are you??! How dare you cause such commotion on my kingdom? shouted King Mythantar.
Dont you remember me, father? said the dragon-winged elf.
The king was puzzled by this exclamation, and as he stared at the mystical figure, a light of recognition dawned upon his face.
Aniethiel?!?
At this, the mysterious elf vanished and a menacing laughter filled the air. The king was taken back. He took two steps backward and as he turned, Aniethiel, the dragon winged elf, reappeared in front of him.
I have returned father. Are you not happy to see me?
Happy!?! You disgust me! I have heard of your exploits outside the elven territory, the cities you ravished, and the innocent lives you claimed for no reason! Youre a disgrace to me and to the whole elven race! How dare you return to these lands, how dare you call me father?!? exclaimed King Mythantar as he slowly backed off.
Sorry if you feel that way, but I am not here to ask for forgiveness. I came here to claim what is rightfully mine. Surrender the kingdom or all of your beloved subjects will perish and your cities will lie in ashes. threatened Aniethiel.
At this, King Mythantar drew out his sword and swung it cutting Aniethiels left sleeve. As the sleeve fell of, everyone was shocked on what they saw. Aniethiels entire left arm was fleshless. They were horrified on what their former beloved princess had become, an abomination, a monster.
Her undead arm then moved and was about to touch the king. Just before her bony hand touched him, a guard jumped in the way blocking Aniethiels undead hand. As the guard made contact with her undead hand, the poor creature instantly withered away into dust.
By Freyr! What have you done to yourself?!? exclaimed the king.
I did what no one could ever do. I turned myself into a god. The warning has been given, you made your choice, now all of you shall perish! said Aniethiel.
As she vanished, her voiced echoed these words. Yseryroroseth y vibalos xenthono-rohmatru! Damamiach antquelis!
Then a scout came running bringing ill news to everyone.
Sire, an unbelievably massive horde of undead attacked and destroyed the city of Eltahren and are heading this way. reported the scout.
This news brought on panic. Everyone knew it would only be a matter of time before the undead would ravage their city. They began fortifying their defenses. Women and children were evacuated and all who were deemed capable of battle was conscripted in the defense of their capital.
Two days passed, and the undead army was only a few kilometers from reaching the elven capital. They tried to ask for reinforcement from the humans and dwarves, but none was readily sent for their troops were in orcish lands. King Mythantar was in despair. He knew that his army could never be able to withstand the undead forces marching towards his capital. He was bothered on how everything happened so quickly, on why his once beloved daughter became a monster and would soon slaughter their kind off the face of the world.
On the eight day of the tenth month, the undead finally reached the gates of the elven capital. Hordes of living corpses were all that the elves could see outside the city walls. Corpses of humans and dwarves, orcs, kobolds, and goblins comprised the undead army, and amidst them were the elves of the fallen cities of Silvermoon, Quaandir and Eltahren.
The elves fired flaming projectiles with their catapults at the mass of corpses. Slowly the numbers of the dead where decreasing. The elves regained spirit. The elven army marched out of the city gates and faced the walking dead with unbridled ferocity. As the final corpse was struck down, a horrifying sight filled their eyes. Another mass of undead was fast approaching, and this time, it was not comprised of mere zombies. Ghouls, vampires, shades, skeleton warriors, revenants, specters, werewolves, and *liches marched towards the elven army. Undead gargoyles filled the sky, and dracoliches, loomed over the horizon. Never in the face of history had such a powerful army of undead had ever been seen.
Meanwhile, on the other side of ***Deveanaar the human and dwarven forces led by the archmage Tuedon had finally won against the orcish forces. The war against the orcs took a considerable toll from both armies. Never had they seen the orcs so fierce, as if driven mad by an unseen force. More astonishing was the fact that they fought undead forces allied with the orcs. As they were about to return to their respective kingdoms, a messenger came with the news of the undeads siege on the elven kingdom. Tuedon, seeing a connection with the orcish invasion of the human lands and the undead siege led both armies to the elven lands.
On the other hand, the battle raged on between the elves and the undead. Bravely, the elves charged into the enemy ranks. With one fell swoop, they tried to cut down the undead ranks, but it was a futile act. With each enemy they fell, two arose and took its place. The elven army was dying off. Some were devoured by dracoliches. A lot of them withered from the liches magic, and some were feasted upon by the other creatures undeath.
Finding his army doomed, King Mythantar ordered his troops to retreat into the city walls. The undead had easily breached through the walls and pushed them into the city core. Just when everything seemed lost, hands shot out from the ground and pulled the undead down to the ground. The dwarves and humans came to the elves rescue. With the combined forces of the three armies, they were able to push the undead hordes back. The human arch-mage Tuedon had found a way to stop the undead from rising once more. King Mythantar was then teleported back into the throne room.
How did I get here? asked King Mythantar.
I teleported you here, your Highness so that I may ensure your safety. Now, tell me who we are dealing with. The undead would never form such an army unless acted upon by a greater force. said the Arch-mage Tuedon.
Aniethiel. She caused all of this. How could this have happened? How could have my darling princess became such a monster? Because of her fascination with the arcane, I sent her away. It was not what she was supposed to do. I could not accept that my daughter would rather be a sorceress than a queen. But how could she be like this? She was once a very sweet girl who loved all living creatures. How did she become such a monstrosity? said King Mythantar as tears fell from his eyes.
Power corrupts my lord And it seems the fledgling goddess has not forgiven you for what you have done. Have you tried to make peace with your own daughter? answered Tuedon.
No. Why should I? asked King Mythantar.
It might be all you need to do to save your kingdom. explained the archmage. But you need not worry My lord, if she still would not forgive you, I think I have found a way to end her threat to all of Deveanaar.
Guard, go get some buckthorn. We must be ready. Aniethiels army is losing, surely she would arrive any minute. exclaimed Tuedon.
Before the last undead, the final dracolich, was struck, Aniethiel descended upon the battlefield. With a wave of her skeletal hand, she unleashed a flaming hellball that struck the ground. As it hit the earth, it made an explosion that consumed everything in its path. She then called forth lightning that struck her remaning enemies down, but before she could slaughter more people, she disappeared and reappeared in the throne room.
Ha! How sweet You made my work a lot easier by bringing me here. Hahaha! laughed Aniethiel.
Aniethiel, please stop this madness. My darling princess, Im sorry for what I have done. Please stop this. Remember how you loved everything and everyone. Remember who you were. pleaded King Mythantar.
And why should I? You left me to die when you threw me into the forests half dead. Did you feel pity when you tried to **bleed me to death when you tried to remove my magic? Did you listen to me when I promised that I wont be like your treacherous queen? You never cared about me just because I am fascinated by the arcane, all because I have the same abilities as the queen that betrayed you. You threw me out of the kingdom though you were sure I would not survive the outside world. And what about the innocent life you cruelly ended with your own hands, do you still remember? said Aniethiel.
Memories of the past flooded the kings mind. He saw his daughter as she were, fragile, helpless. He heard her cries of pain as he saw himself bleeding the helpless princess.
Father please, stop. I cant take it anymore. Please stop. I promise Id stop using my magic. Please I beg you. pleaded Aniethiel.
No thats not good enough! To be a proper princess, to be a proper daughter, you must be rid off all your magical capabilities. I shall remove all of your mothers accursed draconic blood so you may not follow in her footsteps! exclaimed King Mythantar.
Please father, please! I cant take it anymore. Please listen to me. I promise I wont be like mother. promised Aniethiel.
Silence! screamed King Mythantar.
The king saw for the first time how he brutally tried to remove Aniethiels innate powers. He saw how he mercilessly stabbed the chained and ragged princess left arm to make it bleed. On how he repeatedly threw, remorseless blows to his own daughter every time she struggles to break free. As the princess was about to faint because of loss of blood, he finally saw someone who tried to save his daughter from himself.
"My lord, please stop this madness. The princess is dying, can't you see? Would you kill your own daugther? said one of the guards as he tried to stop the king.
I am doing this for the kingdom, for the people. If I would have to kill this girl just to make sure she would not grow up like her mother, then so be it!" said the king.
But she is not like the former queen. In fact, the people love her, more than they love you. While you stay in your throne room raging about how the queen let demons loose upon the kingdom in exchange for greater magical knowledge, your daugther was the one who tended to the citizens needs. She, herself, brought the relief goods to the people. She solved most of the kingdoms problems. She mingled with the people to know their pleas" said the guard.
How dare you speak to me such blasphemy?!? Id have your head for this! said the king.
Id rather die than continue to watch an insane king torture his innocent daughter to death. said the guard
Guards, behead this blasphemous elf! ordered the king.
As the guard that tried to stop the king was beheaded, King Mythantar saw how he had his half dead daughter thrown out into the wilderness. Now the king realized how horribly he treated his own daughter. With all the regret in the world he pleaded once more for forgiveness.
How unfortunate it is for you that I have not died that very day. That I was nursed back to health by the nymphs of that forest. said Aniethiel.
Aniethiel, Im sorry, please, give me a chance to right all the wrong I have done unto you. begged the king.
Your princess is gone. You killed her the day you threw her half dead into the wilderness. It is too late for any reconciliation. Now all of you shall be obliterated. Aniethiel answered coldly.
Then we have no choice. I wish that you be vanquished! exclaimed Tuedon.
And who would stop me? You? Oh please.. You, a petty wizard, dreams of stopping me? I think not. mocked Aniethiel.
True, I dare not dream of fighting you. After all, what chance do I have against a goddess? answered Tuedon.
Then you would regret teleporting me here. Now you shall pay for your insolence! exclaimed Aniethiel.
Hahahaha! laughed Tuedon, waving his hand mocking with disagreement. But you were not teleported hereYou were summoned. Dont you forget that you have elevated yourself to divine stature, princess? As you put it, you turned yourself into a god. And all divine entities, whether god or demon, should grant the summoner a boon if they are conjured appropriately. You are one of them now. And you are bound to their rules. And do not bother fleeing, that would not work for I have already stated my wish. You no longer have an affair with us mortals. You should never again interfere on what happens to this world. Now go! You are dismissed. go to where you belong. Back to the cold waste of Canaa, the eight circle of hell. explained Tuedon.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!, screamed Aniethiel, as she dissipated into thin air

FiN

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*lich (plural: liches) a powerful spell caster who sought immortality through undeath.
**bleeding: a process which is believed to remove the magical abilities of an arcane practitioner by removing their draconic blood.
***Deveanaar: the world they lived on.

My comments on "Conflict":

• You seem like the type of write who "sees" the story unfold in your head.  At any rate, you have to work on how you translate the visuals in your head into words.  Don't be afraid to be verbose.
• You are in love with certain scenarios, visual elements, and literary devices that don't contribute to your story.
• Your story has no real structure.  It seems that you just wrote this on the fly without setting a framework first.  First he couldn't sleep, then he's driving, then he's dead, then he sees memory bubbles, then he sees his memory of some girl, then he's at this wake where someone is crying over him, then... Okay, what's going on?
• There was no rising action, no climax, no denoument. (See above)  You can argue that some stories don't have these elements and still rock.  My answer to that is that, in your case, it's needed here.

My advice would be to lock into one of the elements above and work on that alone.  If it's "voices in his head", go.  If it's "Memory bubbles", go.  If it's "unresolved angst at the point of death", go.  Choose one, work on it.

Other than that... nice try.

There's nothing wrong with writing on the fly. Just make sure to read through it afterwards. Be your own best fan and worst critic at the same time. And keep writing. The more you write, the more you'll get better.