It was a weird position to be in, standing in the middle of a busy road, with the woman of your dreams in your arms, whispering in your ear. Other people might find this romantic, and so would I, if circumstance would permit. You see, it was 4 in the morning, and she was drunk. And she hates my guts (or used to, I don't know). And I'm not really sure if I did the right thing or not, sending her home. It's confusing; it should be, I lost my train of thought myself. From the top, then.

+ + +

I was on my way to a friend's house. It was the Christmas season, and Ryan did all he could to get us together for a barkada reunion. Of course I didn't want to upset a guy, he can get pretty high-strung. Besides, I haven't seen Ryan, Jill, Ching, Red, Ike, Jen, Tonton, and Sarah together for almost a year, and I miss them. Especially Sarah.

10pm. I entered Ryan's place, and sure enough, the gang's all there, already getting drunk. Well, almost everyone. Sarah wasn't there yet. Sigh. She was running late daw, according to the guys. She was towing her current boyfriend along. Sigh. A couple of my friends snickered, one or two of my lady friends patted me on my back. Interesting combination, the "condolence pat", and the "loser" snicker. Well deserved.

An hour passed, then two, then three, and Sarah still wasn't around. I was starting to get worried, but I didn't want to ask out loud. Apparently, Jill got worried too. She called Sarah up. One minute, three, six. Finally, Sarah answered. Jill's expression changed from pissed to concerned. She stood up and walked to a quiet area outside the house. Not a good sign. I waited for Jill to go back inside. A glass of gin-pom later and Jill came back in. I approached her.

"Is she okay?" I asked.

"She will be," Jill answered. "She had an argument with her boyfriend... (I noted that Jill said the word 'boyfriend' gingerly, almost carefully, as if it would kill me to hear that word) ...and they broke up. She doesn't feel like going here anymore." Jill looked at me with pity, "I'm sorry"

To hell with that- "Where is she?"

"I don't know. She wouldn't tell."

"Fine. I'll look for her. Don't tell the others about this, okay?"


+ + +


I left the house in a hurry. I knew Sarah. I had a pretty good idea where she was at that point. And I was right.

Third step, right side entrance, the nearby parish center. Sarah was crying. She looked up, and tried to compose herself and act all ice queen and aloof in front of me. Right.

"Hey." I started.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. What the hell are you doing here?" Sarah lashed back, putting up walls. Doesn't work.

"Nothing much. Talking to you, I guess. Need a friend?" I flashed a really stiff smile. My palms are starting to sweat.

"How did you know I was here?"

"You're always here when something's up, " I answered. "You hate your own house, you don't like running to your friends, and nobody guards this place, so you can vent in peace."

"Oh, so you know me so ****ing well."

"Yes, I do." I got a bit of confidence going for me. "And one more thing, you can't keep all this **** to yourself, you know. You can talk to me."

"Now why should I talk to you?" She sneered, but her voice cracked. The ice queen was melting.

"Because I'm the one here," I retort.

Staredown. Finally, "Okay, you win."

"I wasn't trying to compete." I snapped.


+ + +


We've gone through two bottles of Gato Negro already. I wanted her to talk, well did I get what I want.

The floodgates were opened. Sarah is pouring out everything she was keeping inside her. Her frustrations, her anger, her fear. And she had a lot of it.

I listened in silence, though in my head I was ripping myself apart. It hurt to listen to her talk. It hurt me to listen to her pain, because once upon a time, I would have done anything for her never to be hurt.

As I listened to her pain, all the pain I thought I let go of suddenly came back. Here was Sarah, the woman I adored, the woman I worshiped, the woman I forsaked everything else for. The woman I loved. The woman I love.

Here was Sarah. The woman who never gave me a chance to love her.

I watched helplessly as she hooked up with one loser after another. I watched as she she got hurt over and over again. It took me a while before I was able to exorcise her ghost from my system, but she still lingers.

And now, she was pouring her heart out to me. How ironic is this ****?


+ + +


Two hours later. Silence has replaced tears. Sarah was too smart to get too drunk, but she was pretty buzzed. Two Gato Negros more will do that to anybody. I stood apart, looking at the view outside my office window. I was too mixed up to even put up a straight face. I couldn't look at her. I didn't want her to know she still haunts me.

I hear a thud. Sarah slipped and landed on the floor. I went near her to help her up. She waved me off.

"I want to stay here."

"That's the damm floor, Sarah"

"I don't ****ing care. Leave me alone."

"No, I won't." I tried to pick her up.

She grabbed my collar and yanked me downwards. I fell hard and hit my head. As I tried to get it together, she was on top of me.

"You meant that, didn't you?" Her mouth was too near mine. She smelled sickly sweet, reeking of wine.

"I always have." I answer. I didn't dare move. God, I wanted her.

Sarah grabbed my neck and kissed me. It was awkward, uncomfortable, drunken, but it didn't matter. I took her waist and flipped her, and now, I was on top. I kissed her hard. Days, months, years of repression didn't matter. I was free. I had her.

I had her.

And then I looked into her eyes. Swollen, crying, grieving.

I was wrong. I didn't have her. I never did.

I never will.

I broke contact, I stood up, yanked her up.

"What're you doing?" She was dazed.

"I can't do this." I reached for my cellphone. "You have to go home." I texted Jill to pick her up.

"Why?" I have never heard anybody say the word "why" with so much disappointment and hurt. I thought for a moment I was going to lose my resolve, but I steeled myself anyway.

"Why?" She asked again, more resentful. No answer.

"Damm you, don't you want me!" She lashed. No answer.

Sarah started hitting me with her fists. She hurt me, not physically, but she hurt me more. "Don't ****ing do this to me! I thought you wanted me! I thought you wanted me!"

I couldn't take it anymore. "Not like this, Goddammit! I will not be used as a goddamm emotional crutch! **** that!"

The shock left her too quickly. She started hitting me again. "**** you! ****you****you****you****you****you****YOU!!!" She stormed out of my office.

I was stunned for a few seconds. Then, realizing that there was a half-crazy drunken woman running amuck downstairs, I rushed out as well. Past the elevators, past the lobby, outside the building, across the street, I spotted her walking away, crying again. I caught up with her, held on.

She started hitting me again. She screamed at me to let her go. She shouted at me, cursed me to high heavens, but I wouldn't let go. Eventually, she lost steam. She fell into me, sobbing. I put my arms around her, trying to comfort her, knowing I never could.

Maybe we were lucky all this was happening at 4 in the morning. We would have been hit by a truck if all this happened a bit later. But I didn't care. Only Sarah mattered now.

Slience. I lost track of the minutes spent standing on the middle of the street. Not that I cared anyway. After a while, Sarah spoke...

"You had me. Why didn't you-"

I stopped her from talking, and held on to her as if I'd lose her when the morning came. Which was probably true anyway. She looked at me, her eyes blurring from all the crying. I spoke.

"I want you. I want you so badly. Right now, holding you like this is the hardest thing for me. But I can't have you like this. I can't have you like this."

"You may never get another chance." She whispered, part taunting, part begging.

"It doesn't matter," I whispered back. "Not like this."

Silence. I still held on to her. She was still crying softly, so was I. She leaned over to my ear. She whispered to my ear, "I still have all your letters."

I kept silent, I couldn't trust myself to speak. Damm her! Why is she doing this to me?! Does she hate me this much? Doesn't she realize how much she's hurting me right now? God, I love her.

She continued, "I've kept them, everything you gave me for the past two years. I read them from time to time."

"Why do you still have them?" I asked aloud.

Why don't you just ****ing burm all of it? It's all a big ****ing joke. You don't want me. You never gave me a chance. There is no hope.

"Because nobody ever loved me the way you did." She breathed in deep, "I never thought anybody could look at me like that. And you came along."

I really started to cry now. Honking, blinking lights. Jill just arrived at the area, was coming over to where we were, saving me from my shame.

"Go home, Sarah."

Sarah looked at me blankly. Was that a sigh she did? I'm just couldn't tell. I watched as Jill took her friend and drove off with her, leaving me all alone in the middle of the street.


+ + +


I just got off the phone with Jill. According to her, Sarah was back together with her boyfriend. And that Sarah told her that nothing happened between the both of us that fateful night.

I wanted to protest; I thought back to the steps in the parish center, my office at three in the morning, her tears, the four bottles of wine, the floor, her lips on mine, the two of us in the middle of the street at four. I wanted to shout out that Sarah was a goddamm liar. But I didn't.

"She's right, Jill. Nothing happened. Nothing."

I hung up the phone. My memories of her are so painful, I wonder why I hold on to all of it. I stare into nothing.